Some of the more observant of you may have noticed that there was no blog post on Wednesday. Now, I haven’t missed a blog post since I very first started this blog and naïvely believed that I would easily get an Internet connection on the move during our road trip.
So why did I miss my post on Wednesday? Remember the people that brought you this?
Yes, it’s my old friends at Telstra, Australia’s biggest telephone service provider. Today I’m going to talk about Telstra and it may just end up being the longest story ever told on this or any blog. And if it isn’t, it’ll sure seem like it.
It’s a story that will remind you that whilst moving to Australia is a dream for many people, and although Australia is a land with beautiful beaches, open spaces and (mostly) hot and sunny weather with clear blue skies, some things never change.
Like the inefficiency of national telephone service providers. Like Telstra.
Chapter One – Changing Our Home Phone Number
To save a long story from being longer, I won’t go into why we have changed our home telephone number, but on Tuesday of this week that’s what we did. Or at least tried to do.
My wife, accompanied by the person who owns the telephone number we were taking over went into the Telstra shop around two weeks ago to fill in all the paperwork and set it up. Our telephone number was going to change at some point during Tuesday, June 1.
Well, at about 11 AM our telephone stopped working and along with it, the Internet. Great, I thought, they have started to do the work. It won’t be long now. But our telephone remained dead and at about 1 PM I decided to telephone what should have been our new number from my mobile to see if that was dead too. It wasn’t.
I was going out that afternoon and would be passing the very same Telstra shop that set it all up in the first place. I popped in. I was told by the connections expert there not to worry, the job was scheduled for 4 p.m. and my new telephone number would be active from then.
Of course, it wasn’t.
So I telephoned Telstra’s faults department.
“Thank you for calling Telstra. Your call is important to us. Please listen carefully to the following menu options. If you are calling to report a fault or to find out the progress on a fault, please press one.” I press one.
“Please enter your telephone number starting with the area code followed by the hash key” I enter my telephone number starting with the area code followed by the hash key. “All our operators are busy right now, your call is very important to us. You are currently in a queue. We will answer your call as quickly as we can”
When I eventually do get to talk to an operator, I explain my problem. “Okay sir, please can I take your telephone number (why did I key it in then?)…….. thank you for providing that information. And your name?………… can you spell that? (Yes, I can)…… thank you for providing that information. Please may I have your address including the postcode………….. thank you for providing that information. For security purposes, please can I have your date of birth………. thank you for providing that information.
Please hold while I get your information up on the screen…………… okay sir, it appears that the paperwork was not completed correctly, so the disconnection of your old telephone number went through but the paperwork to connect your new telephone number was incomplete. I have now corrected it and we will connect you to your new telephone number sometime tomorrow. Sorry for the inconvenience. Is there anything else I can help you with today Sir? Thank you for calling and have a nice day sir.”
She issues me with a twelve digit reference number.
Chapter Two – Connecting to the Internet
At 9:30 AM the next day, true to their word, (this time) our new telephone number was connected. Now all I need to do is to telephone my Internet service provider (not Telstra, do you think I’m insane?) And inform them of my new telephone number so they can add it to their system so that my Internet connection will once again work.
“I’m sorry sir, but the new telephone number you have given me is showing on our screens as inactivated. It has an invalid status. You need to speak to Telstra to get them to activate it.”
“But the phone does work, I can make and receive calls.” I explained.
“Yes sir, this is quite normal. Even though your telephone works the line does have to be activated by Telstra before we can connect our Internet service to your telephone line. It can take up to 24 hours after the telephone works before the line is activated, but if you speak to Telstra they will be able to tell you when activation is scheduled.”
Chapter Three – Activating Our Telephone Line
So I telephoned Telstra’s faults department.
“Thank you for calling Telstra. Your call is important to us. Please listen carefully blah blah…” I press one.
“Please enter your telephone number starting with the area code followed by the hash key… etc etc….
When I eventually do you get to talk to an operator, I explain my problem like this…..
“Hi. I have today changed my home blah blah…… (see above for full text) until …… Could you tell me when you will activate my service?”
“Certainly sir, please can I take your telephone number…. I now go into a trance and wake when we get to…..For security purposes, please can I have your date of birth………. thank you for providing that information.
Please hold while I get your information up on the screen…………… okay sir, it appears your telephone was activated this morning at 9:30 AM.”
“Yes, as I said, the telephone is working properly but apparently the line has not yet been activated which is why I cannot connect to the Internet.” I reply.
“So you can make and receive calls but you can’t connect to the Internet?” He replies before going on to say “then you need to talk to your Internet service provider.”
For the next 10 minutes or so I waste my time trying to explain that I have already spoken to my Internet service provider and the line needs to be activated by Telstra before they can connect their Internet services to it, but it is clear that this operator has no idea what I am on about. As far as he is concerned if my telephone works its active and if I can’t connect to the Internet it’s my Internet service provider’s problem.
Eventually he puts me through to residential sales.
Chapter Four – Residential Sales
“Hello this is residential sales how can I help you?”
“Hello, I’m not sure why I have now been put through to you but here is my problem. I have today changed my home telephone number and my telephone is working fine, I can receive and make calls. But I can’t connect to the Internet. I have contacted my Internet service provider who tells me that the telephone line has an invalid status and has not yet been activated by you. Could you tell me when you will activate my service?”
“Certainly sir, please can I take your telephone number dah de dah de dah until….
Please hold while I get your information up on the screen…………… okay sir, it appears your telephone was activated this morning at 9:30 AM.”
“Yes, the telephone is working properly but apparently the line has not yet been activated which is why I cannot connect to the Internet.” I reply.
“Okay sir I’m putting you through to Bigpond.” and he put me through before I had the chance to say “NO!!!!!!!!”
Chapter Five – Bigpond
Bigpond is Telstra’s Internet service provider who, as I mentioned earlier, I would be insane to use. So as soon as I am put through I say “I’m not sure why the last guy put me through to you because you are not (and never will be) my Internet service provider. I am having trouble getting my line activated so the Internet service provider I do use can connect me to the Internet. Perhaps you can put me through to a department that can help?”
Chapter Six – Connections
Bigpond put me through to connections. Of course, I had to explain my problem all over again.
“Hi. I have today changed my home telephone number and my telephone is working fine, I can receive and make calls. But I can’t connect to the Internet. I have contacted my Internet service provider who tells me that the telephone line has an invalid status and has not yet been activated by you. Could you tell me when you will activate my service?”
But of course, connections need to identify me…..
“Certainly sir, please can I take your telephone number … until they get to the bit when they say ……………… okay sir, it appears your telephone was activated this morning at 9:30 AM.”
“Yes, but the line, the line, what about the line? Is the line activated?”
“Okay sir, I’m going to put you through to faults.”
Chapter Seven – Return to Faults
Faults, if you remember, is where I started. By now I have been on the phone for 43 minutes and I have achieved nothing. I also realise that it is very possible that in a further 43 minutes time I could have spent 86 minutes on the phone only to end up back here in faults again.
“How can I help you sir?” I’m asked. To break this cycle I say I want to speak to a supervisor and after being put on hold for the customary three minutes I am advised that there are no supervisors on the floor. The operator insists on me telling her my problem.
“Today I changed my home telephone number and my telephone is working fine, I can receive and make calls. But I can’t connect to the Internet. I have contacted my Internet service provider who tells me that the telephone line has an invalid status and has not yet been activated by you. Could you tell me when you will activate my service?”
“Certainly sir, please can I take your telephone number (I am now speaking like a robot)…….. thank you for providing that information. And your name?………… can you spell that? (I hope so by now) blah bloomin’ blah ………… until…….
Please hold while I get your information up on the screen…………… okay sir, it appears your telephone was activated this morning at 9:30 AM.”
RIGHT! Get me a supervisor now!
Chapter Eight – Speaking to a Supervisor
“Yes Sir, I am very sorry. I can see from the screen that your telephone has not yet been activated. (At last! Someone has finally agreed this phone has not yet been activated). I will put a priority order on it right now sir. Your line will be activated today by 7 PM at the latest. I am very sorry for the inconvenience.”
By now it is around midday and I’d been on the phone for about an hour and a half. As I can’t use the Internet I decide to go out as there were a few jobs I needed to get done. I return home at gone seven o’clock. I telephone my Internet service provider who confirm that my phone number is still inactive.
What a surprise.
Chapter Nine – Speaking to Another Supervisor
So I have to telephone Telstra’s faults department again.
“Thank you for calling Telstra. Your call is important to us. Please listen carefully to the following menu options. If you are calling to report a fault or to find out the progress on a fault, please press one.” I press one.
“Please enter your telephone number starting with the area code followed by the hash key” I KNOW, I KNOW…. I jump through all the hoops until… We will answer your call as quickly as we can” (Yes, sure you will).
When I eventually do get to talk to yet another operator, I explain my problem. “WHEN AM I GONNA GET MY LINE ACTIVATED!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Okay sir, please can I take your telephone number (Grrrrrrr)…….. thank you for providing that information. And your name?………… can you spell that? (Yes, since I was 6!)…… thank you for providing that information. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah….
Please hold while I get your information up on the screen…………… okay sir, the only people who can answer your question are in the collections department. I’m afraid they close at 5 PM but if you ring them tomorrow they will be able to tell you when your line will be active”
I file a complaint directly with the supervisor. He issues me with a nine digit reference number.
NB. That’s why I couldn’t post on this blog on Wednesday.
Chapter Ten – Return to Connections
First thing in the morning, I telephone connections.
“Thank you for calling Telstra. .…. rah rah rah …. let’s skip all this shall we, I wish I could have….
“Could you tell me when you will activate my service?” I asked.
“No sir, we don’t have that information here. You need to talk to faults.”
The veins on my forehead start to pop. I refuse to redial faults. I will not redial faults! I JUST WON”T DO IT AGAIN! So the operator puts me through directly (well, after an 11 minute wait) to somebody called Dan. I fully re-explain my problem to him. He fully understands my question and tells me that as soon as he gets my details up on the screen he will be able to tell me EXACTLY when my line will be activated. At last! Someone who understands me.
Then we get cut-off.
Chapter Eleven – Redialling Faults
Call important…..blah….key in number…….blah …….. name…. spell… blah ….. explain problem …. etc etc and then I wait for the following words of wisdom from this latest operator….
“So you can make and receive calls but you can’t connect to the Internet?” He replies before going on to say “then you need to talk to your Internet service provider.”
NO I DON”T!
Eventually he agrees to file a fault report but says I need to answer some questions first. Question one. “Is your modem plugged in?”
Oh, give me strength! I refuse to answer his ridiculous questions.
He issues me with a 12 digit reference number. He asks me when I would like an engineer to call. “Now” I say.
Chapter Twelve – Russian Roulette
Three hours later and of course, nobody has rang. By this time I have formulated the theory that calling Telstra is a bit like Russian Roulette. The result will depend on who is in the “chamber”.
So I call the faults department again, jump through all those hoops and get to the bit where I say……… “could you tell me when you will activate my service?”
She gets my details up on screen, asks me to hold for two minutes, then comes back and says “Sorry for keeping you on hold sir. Yes, your activation was “stuck” in our system. Sorry about that. If you can just hold for a couple more minutes?”
I hold for a couple more minutes.
“It’s all done now sir. Your line has been activated. It may take a couple of hours before your Internet service provider can see it on their screen. I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience. Is there anything else I can help you with today sir?”
HaHaHaHa! How funny is that? What would I have written about today had I got through to this operator first? How boring would my life have been if she’d answered my very first enquiry? What would I have done with the three hours saved?
We’ll never know.
Chapter Thirteen – The Punchline
With my line now activated, I waited a couple of hours and then phoned my Internet service provider again. I asked if my telephone number was now showing as active on their screen.
No, it wasn’t.
“Sir, it usually takes between 24 and 48 hours before that information comes through to us. We cannot instigate your change of telephone number until we see the line is active. When the line is active we then need to issue you with a new contract. We also need to speak directly to Telstra in order to connect you to the Internet. This process will take five working days. You will also need to pay $99 reconnection fee.”
And with that I kissed goodbye to my Internet connection for at least another week.
“Oh,” I said. “Dang! Well if I have to start a new contract, can I cancel my old one please?”
“No sir, you cannot do that via the phone.”
“Well how can I cancel it?” I asked.
“You need to go online to cancel it.”
AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
The End.
Well, I feel better, how are you?
Unfortunately Greg, the provider has nothing to do with it, whether it be Bigpond (teltra retail), Optus, iinet, who-ever, as the owner of the infrastructure in Australia is Telstra Wholesale, yet they subcontract the works out to another third party to “haul the cable”.
I fanally got my connection 2 days ago after raising a ticket with the TIO, and having a case manager appointed to escalate the problem repeatedly. I dont actually believe this expediated the solution at all, as even the TIO is powerless against the infrastructure owners. Telstra Wholesale is untouchable… no care and no responsibility, and answerable to no-one.
Interestingly Greg, my iinet connection was completed 2 days ago, yet a friend down the road didnt get activated by Telstra till yesterday, so there goes your Bigpond theory.
Unfortunately the NBN will not resolve this monopoly, we’ll just have another bunch of untouchables to whinge about. (Sigh).
dear BobInOz
You blog was very amusing but the real root of your problem is not having BigPond as your provider. If you had that, BigPond would have activated the line immediately.
Also, BigPond is the fastest and most reliable service in Australia and comparable in price to most others, so why you dislike it so much, I do not know – but you really do need to get over it.
This is the first time reading your blog and I assure you it will also be the last!
I miss you already Greg 🙂
Thanks Bob, this has put a smile back on my dial. I stumbled accross this post while googling “how long to get a landline connection?” I’m in country Western Oz, and moved into my newly built home. The sparky has connected my phone to the street, and rang telstra to get hooked up. 3 weeks they quoted, so I said dont bother and went to iinet. They said 1 week, then 2 days later called me to say the Telstra infrastructure will be 3 weeks, which quickly became 6 weeks, 8 weeks… now 3 months. Neighbour told me when they connected about 6 months ago, it too took 3 months. The odd thing is our suburb is brand spanking new and fully serviced. Telstra Wholesale must be on some sort of government rebate system which encourages them to drag out the connection process for as long as possible, otherwise they would surely have installed enough infrastructure to cater for the whole development??? do ya think?? I’m totally over their shite!!!
Hi Kerry
Well, I’m glad this has put a smile on your face, I know it was quite cathartic for me to write it, it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders when I released this rant out into the open.
Hopefully you will be able to somehow read my reply to you, you’ll probably be able to get access next time you’re passing by a McDonald’s with free Wi-Fi and a smart phone in your hand, because that’ll be you and the Internet for a long while yet 🙂
I’m not sure why it takes Telstra so long to sort this sort of stuff out, but I do have a new theory about customer service, not just theirs, but generally. I think the aim of customer service is simple; slowly grind us down until we can’t be bothered to telephone any more.
Good luck, Bob
I got both a laugh and a cry out of this.. I am planning to change my number at some point soon for various reasons which means i’m probably going to have to go through this too lol.
Well, good luck with that Michael, do have a contingency plan in place won’t you 🙂
Hahaha, thanks for the laugh! I know it was a really painful experience for you to go through, but you describe it beautifully! Luckily, I have 3G. I’ll be prepared now, if I need to change my number!
Thanks Karen, glad you enjoyed it. For me, writing it was a kind of therapy. A few years on now, and I think I’m beginning to get over it.
Good luck, if ever you do decide to change your number.
Cheers
Bob
telecoms is Australia are a mockery of a sham 🙂
I’ve had several similar run-ins with telstra, two of which involved them hanging up on me. The first time they sent me a temporary wireless phone that had meat on it. Really. It must’ve come from a butchers or abattoir.
When I had 2 issues with BT in the UK that cost me work, I got compensation to the tune of about $3000 after 2 phonecalls. Can you imagine that happening here?
My mate got a free Wi-Fi toggle out of Telstra because they took 10 days too long to hook up his Internet, but best ways that was worth about $50. Not exactly 3 grand, is it?
TELSTRA (AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN AS HEL$TRA OR TEL$TRA -HONESTLY, DO A GOOGLE SEARCH) IS PROBABLY THE WORST COMPANY IN THE WORLD, CERTAINLY AUSTRALIA. Sorry just had to do that in caps. OK it may not be the absolute worst but, seriously, it’s very close to the top. And the biggest problem is, because they used to be a publicly-owned company, they own (at least for now) virtually all of the country’s telecommunications infrastructure so it’s impossible to escape them! You can be assured, like above, that if you have to deal with them (which you will) there is a very high chance you’ll end up infuriated and ripped off to no end. Their service is ridiculously poor (like above – also if you have to go into their shops you’ll probably have to wait for literally half an hour), their prices are way, way too expensive and if you sign a contract you’ll probably sign away your future sanity.
This is from Urban Dictionary:
Tel$tra:
A largely incompetent I$P which spends much of its resources collecting money from cu$tomers, and too little time providing anything which may be confused with goods/services.
Characterised by not-so-technically-supportive technical support, and underpaid, uneducated monkeys in their billing department.
Tel$tra have often been described by their customers as “Gimpier than a three-legged dog”
Synonyms: Incompetent, ethically retarded, FUBAR
Dude – dont be such a Telstra…
I think I like the Urban Dictionary.
When I last went to the Brisbane EKKA, the place was, as usual, buzzing. Crowds and crowds of people packed wall-to-wall. Loads of stalls, exhibits and shows.
Telstra had a tent/shop, it was completely empty. No one was in it, apart from one Telstra employee.
That’s Telstra for you!
Great help – thinking about changing my home phone number.
However, point of issue, I work for the Police Force . A lot of you ( the public) have issues with spelling your name, and it’s not because the operator cannot spelling your name. We are searching a database and you may not realise the number of different spellings for Bryan Smythe ( could be 60 in NSW) or Brian Smith (could be 600) or Bryant Smithe( 10), Brien Smyth could be 2. Note, it’s an offence to access someone elses information, other than the person you are talking to.
Hope this helps & merry christmas.
That’s a fair point and one worth making. Some operators are very good, but others take way too long to identify what you’re saying, even though you are spelling it out.
My surname ends with …nan. I can’t begin to tell you how many operators end it with …man, even though I always spell it out by saying N for nothing, A for apple, N for nothing.
But as I say, I take your point. Merry Christmas to you too.
Good old Telstra! They’re a national treasure. At least you got your money back I suppose.
And, by sounds of it, you’ve downloaded the entire Internet. At least you should have at $2876!
HAHAHAHA telstra now you know why howard sold it LOL he had the same problem, This is my story i had a mobile contract that was up so i thought awesome new phone went in got sucked into paying $80 month because i had a $500 cap etc and i didn’t have the internet they said well on this cap you can plug your mobile throguh your computer internet is free with this cap i thought new phone and internet awesome i ask 6 times is it free YES SIR, well a month later phone bill lets see if the cap has saved me money WHAT $2876 for the month i ring telstra whys my bill so high answer Internet fees i said but it’s free reply no it’s not LOLOLOL i refuse to pay ring the obudsman telstra rings me back we have waived the bill so your bill comes to $145 i’m like thankyou then they say and we given you $200 credit on your account i’m like thanks next month get bill $1754 i’m like fudge me ring telstra internet again i said yes but we sorted this last month and there like yes but you can pay this 1 i said listen here shoe lace eyes i’m not paying shit threatened them with a law suit and low and behold i’m sorry sir there seems to be a problem at our end i will waive the bill now i’m with dodo all good.
Yes, I heard the same thing about Optus. You would think a company big enough to take on Telstra would try to exploit the weakness of their more established competitor. But no, apparently not.
I feel your pain Mark. If things don’t work out with the court action and somehow you end up in prison, I will make it my personal mission to start the “free Mark Wallace” movement right here on BobinOz.
Regarding the Telstra story – people may think that if you change to Optus they will be better but they are worse, far worse than Telstra – 12 months to get one of my employees off a plan, 6 months, 9 forms faxed, emailed, posted via registered mail and they still didn’t act on things – no they are threatening me with court action for a bill of $2,500 which is no where near what it should be. I have just started dealing with the ombudsman so I will see how I go.
I don’t know Amelia, you tell me! I have a sneaky suspicion that you work for “Australia leading mobile Trading website”. But I gotta admire your tenacity in getting a backlink AND advert from my site.
I am wondering can I port out my Gold Mobile Number to any other network? which I actually bought from Australia leading mobile Trading website: http://www.prestigenumbers.com.au
Firstly Jeremy, congratulations on reading this post all the way through to the end. I didn’t think anyone would bother, but now it seems at least three of you have (congrats too to Alex and John). I am impressed.
So it’s interesting hearing the point of view from “the other side”. I’m not surprised you packed it in with all those rules, although those rules do not surprise me. I have worked for quite a few companies with stupid rules. I have to say that with Telstra, I cannot understand the mentality. Although they ask for your telephone number and full name and address each time you call, it appears no record is kept of your problem on the computer, it’s just like starting all over every time you ring.
I recently had a problem with my mobile phone and had to phone my provider -3. Three Mobile DID keep records of my problem on their computers and it made things so much more simple. Why don’t big companies like Telstra do that?
But if you were hoping that Australian companies would be better than elsewhere, forget it. I actually think they are a lot worse.
This was possibly my favorite blog entry to read yet simply because I know exactly what you were going through… from the other side of the line! 🙂
I used to work telephone technical support for a cable/phone/internet provider here in the states. The rules those companies make their front line representatives follow are absolutely absurd. I always made a point of being the last contact for someone. When a customer got through to me, they stayed with me until their problem was solved and if it meant I needed time to fix it, I’d get a call back number and followed up every single time to make sure it was working when I finished.
But in order to provide that level of service, I violated rules about maximum average time taken per call. And this, my friend, is why you got cut off and got sent around in circles. More than likely anyway. I used to get those all the time. “Wow, I was just speaking to someone… they put me on hold and all of a sudden I got you!” Absolute, 100% bull and it was done all the time just so people on the floor could keep their numbers below that very very crucial average handling time number the company was so enamored with.
Needless to say, I’d had my fill of that nonsense after a good 9 months and quit. If I’m going to do “customer service”, then I’m going to give the customer real service that gets the problem fixed. Since most companies don’t seem to want that anymore, I guess I won’t work in the field.
Really unfortunate that this sort of thing happens there, I was hoping the Aussie companies would be more sensible.
Well, I finally got my Internet connection back a few days ago. 15 days offline! Incredible. If I’d known it was going to take that long, I’d have got 3G. I’ll take no chances next time.
I had same problems with a wire internet provider.
Backup 3G wireless modem is a good way to be connected in this case, even if it takes week or two. I’ve had a connection to the internet despite wire provider intrigues.
You should have asked to speak to Dave. I always find that anyone called Dave put things right straight away. Funniest thing I was asked by a telecoms company ( not BT ) was ‘Can I have your telephone number’ . So why was that so funny ? They’d ‘phoned me !
When I lived in England, I phoned the council to query my poll tax. He asked my name, then which street I lived in, then the number. I said 26. After a pause, he said “No you don’t, you live at number 28.”
I laughed like a drain! Especially when he followed up with “are you sure?” I said “I’m standing in it, course I’m sure!”